April 13, 2017

Feliz Cumple

Good afternoon:

Today is another day in the account of my life; But it is not an ordinary day. Today is the birthday of the sweetheart of the house, there are already five and the truth is that they have been five years of love, of a clean and disinterested love; Of the most real love that exists, that of a mother and a son.

Ines came after knowing that I had my friend wandering around my body, so I will never be very clear if it was right or not have it. We searched until we could find it, until it settled in my belly holding to not fall. Ines came and joined a family that was hard to unite, but that seems to find its way; Ines came and his presence makes us happy, teaches us every day the value of coexistence, true love among brothers, tenderness; He brought out the best of each, finding traits of his brothers who had not surfaced, at least in my eyes.

Well yes, today is five years my baby and we have had guests at home, their godparents with their families. We have had a very pleasant time in which I had to hide sometimes to be able to cry without problem. It is not easy for me to be with more people than our children, especially when they come at the same time and I intend to attend to them as I used to. It is a little what I spoke yesterday, learn to say goodbye to your other self to receive the new one that does not do the same things as before. I know it is not easy, but I cry because I do not feel at ease when I get out of my routine, when I have to adapt to new things and there is little time to do it, when I get out of my routine. I know that I look like a savage and I apologize to the people who kindly come home to share our family moments with us, but I do not give for more, I can not, I feel as if I do not know how to relate and in full alertness. I imagine it will not happen to me alone, but that does not help me get along better.

Now, after the people have left, now that my husband has gone to take the rest of the children with his other parents, now is the time to cry and let go; Now is the time to lose the papers quietly and without fear that someone can see me. Several things come together since although I need to rest, all our children leave and this is very empty. My heart does not know what to feel, it does not know how to manage the mixed feelings I am having and it tries to cover itself with a framework that has less and less consistency. It is not easy to be a mother with fibromyalgia. I think I hurt them and I know that it is, but I also know that it is not my fault; Does that matter? They have to live very complicated situations for their ages and, although they try to understand it, they complicate the equation a lot, so they are always in a state of alert just in case I am going to feel uncomfortable for something and I will be angry or for you I’m going to be absolutely sore and I’m going to blow the plans or whatever it is, my sister, decide for each day.

Ines has enjoyed, had the gifts that she hoped for and has eaten the sweets she wanted; In short has been a birthday lived intensely and very playful, as he has bathed in the pool and has played with all his friends. Ines has been happy and that has made me very happy apart from being able to relate more or less to the other people who have come. Ines has turned five years and we have been able to be all next to her, clothing her and giving our love to her as she deserves. Ines is growing and that makes me happy. She is a healthy girl, loved by all and absolutely wanted. When you grow up and see the role you have played in this family …..

I do not have many more words, they choke me in the mind and it causes that the heart shrinks to me; I just hope he never blames me for having decided to have her knowing I was sick. I shrink my soul feeling a series of things that I can not decipher or explain, but that make me like a beast caged with desire to run away and not stop. I cry because it is what I need today. Surely tomorrow will be a better day in terms of my moods and sure I can stop crying and live some other adventure that my sister has me prepared.

Thank you for reading me, I send kisses and hugs asking you to share to help more people.

María Díaz.